Let’s Talk Intuition.
We’ve all got it. If you’re anything like I was, you still second guess yourself. You still hear that voice that pulls at your intuition, telling you that you’re wrong - whatever it is you’re feeling/thinking is just not accurate. There are a lot of reasons for this, and without casting too much blame, let’s start with two of the most obvious reasons as to why.
Your upbringing/home life. A spade is a spade ya’ll, sorry to say. This is not to say your caregivers were horrible people (or maybe they were, depending on your personal circumstances), it’s just to say they did what a lot of what previous generations did. Whenever you showed intense emotions, did your parents banish you to your room and tell you to stay there until you calm down? Did they hear you say you were scared or upset, only to meet you with a phrase like “you’re overreacting” or “it’s ok” and diminish your very real and valid feelings? While maybe no ill intent, all it does is royally fuck up your emotional regulation and cause internal doubt to seep in.
Gaslighting. This could have been from parental figures, friends, colleagues or romantic partners. Did someone hear your truth and invalidate it, citing it was wrong when later it came to be that you were right all along? Maybe a close friend betrayed you, or a partner cheated and made you feel crazy when you called them out on it. It can cover a multitude of circumstances, but being gaslit truly messes with your psyche.
While I don’t have thousands of page space to dive into each and every scenario that could encompass the above, more than likely you resonate with one of the above (or both) on why you tend to doubt those gut feelings you get. When one of your closest friends says she can’t wait to have you meet a new friend of hers that she adores, and yet when you meet this friend you instantly don’t get good vibes. And no, not out of jealousy. Maybe you tell yourself that you’re just being judgemental for some reason, or give yourself a little pep talk something along the lines of “you don’t have to like all the same people”. Yet, weeks later when this new friend ultimately ends up screwing over your good friend you go back to that initial feeling.. and know that you were right from the start. When it comes to relationships, we often doubt our own gut feelings and talk ourselves out of it - and while sometimes that is because of the above reasons that we just don’t trust ourselves, there is also a flip side of why we ignore intuition.
Fear. The unknown is SCARY, ok? I am not here to tell otherwise. Few people are comfortable with the unknown, with letting go of control. If you have a gut feeling in your relationship that you deserve more because of poor their behavior, or that you’re just generally unhappy with them, it’s easy to rationalize. When I was in my marriage and miserable, I heard on a loop in my head that ‘marriage is hard’ and truly talked myself out of considering divorce so many times… for years if I’m being honest. I had so much fear - fear of walking away because of what that would mean for our son, fear of what my parents and anyone else may say, and just general fear of the future and what it would mean to be divorced. It’s so intimidating, and you should give yourself grace for having very valid fears.
When you are comfortable in your situation, it breeds fear ten times over. Ironically, you can be comfortable in a situation even if the truth makes others uncomfortable, as humans we adjust to circumstances. Comfort can stem from other root issues like finances, self worth, and so much more. Money and self worth (in my professional opinion), are the two biggest drivers in why it causes you to become fearful of leaving. Whether your spouse makes more than you or you simply cannot fathom how you can afford to leave (or start over), self worth goes hand in hand. Maybe you don’t believe you can find anyone else, maybe you believe you deserve this, but there may be some internal loop of your own that holds you back from experiencing a good partnership. And I’m here to tell you that you DO deserve that, even if you don’t yet believe it.
We know more than we believe we do, even if we’ve turned a blind eye previously. My biggest suggestion is to begin documentation, and this could be in your notes app in your cell or on paper - whatever suits you best. But I’m talking daily documentation of what’s going on and checking in with how you truly feel in those moments, on a daily basis. If you’re in that toxic relationship and every time it hits the rollercoaster high, you can have this to look back and see all the lows. Does the good actually outweigh the bad, or are you just looking back at everything with rose colored lenses? Maybe you suspected your partner was lying about something but they had a perfect excuse that made you feel crazy….. if you’re documenting, why not do a quick little log of how many times they happen to come up with “perfect” excuses and just how often you’re left feeling insane?
You can build back up trust within yourself, step by step. But it requires you putting one foot In front of the other and believing in yourself. And in case you don’t, let me remind you that I do believe in you and your intuition.
