Partner or Child?
We’ve all seen it - and maybe you’re in it - where when you sit back and listen to yourself or your friends complain about their significant other. They won’t pick up the slack around the household, can’t seem to manage making doctor appointments for the kids or knowing any basic information about the pets. Asking what’s for dinner but never helping to plan the meal or get the groceries, continually piling onto the mental load that already exists tenfold for you. One big issue the complaining creates is that it perpetuates this standard that this is normal. While it might unfortunately be common, it is NOT normal, nor okay.
No relationship is perfect I’d like to reiterate and enforce, but that being said, a true partner does not add to the pile up. A true partner eases the burden and takes on their fair share, and it is truly as simple as that. Some of the main excuses that get made is that their significant other just doesn’t “get” it. Uhm, what exactly is “it”? Basic skills to continue moving the needle forward in life and in a household? Here’s the thing: bathrooms will always need to be cleaned. Beds should be made more often than not (mental health check in), dishes will be never ending, and laundry is a revolving door. Especially if you add children into the equation, food is a necessity (read: daily), and their needs only continue to stack up the older they get. Parenting your supposed to be partner should not be added to your plate that’s already beyond full - they should be able to handle half (at least) the load of it all.
Listen, some individuals want to be the caretaker. Who am I to step in and tell anyone what is right or wrong? This is just my opinion, and I write this not to dictate how you should operate in your relationship but to bring awareness in case you did have some concerns that the weight sat on your shoulders. I grew up in a household where my mom did take on most of the household responsibilities, and happily at that, not to mention still does to this day. That is a personal preference, and if you are someone that is exhausted and has tried bringing to your significant other’s attention that you need more help and for them to pick up their share of the weight, then this is for you.
You deserve more. You deserve a partner that hears you when you say you are tired and steps in to cook and clean dinner. You deserve a partner who can see there are dishes in the sink and takes care of them. You deserve a partner who you don’t have to “write a list for” of chores, but instead can use their very own eyes to see what needs to be taken care of. You deserve a partner who throws in loads of laundry or folds it without being asked. A partner who knows the children’s doctors or animals vets and can speak to everything just as well as you can if they were to take them alone to appointments. You deserve a partner who truly eases the mental load instead of adds to it.
Read it all once more: you deserve an actual partner.
If you have brought this to their attention and are met with excuses and lack of initiative and change, please understand this is not a reflection of you, but rather a reflection of themselves and their own incapability to become an equal partner. Please hear them for what they are actually saying and doing, not falling for empty promises and phrases. An apology without change is just manipulation, and you should not have to ask someone who truly cares for you and your relationship anything twice.
And if the behavior clearly will always be that they will indeed continue to be another child for you vs a partner, ask yourself if you’re ok with that forever. Ask yourself if you’re ok with that type of relationship being modeled to your children to see for their future relationships, if you’re ok with it being never ending. If you can happily say yes - I salute you and look away because it’s painful for me to watch.
If you said no and now don’t know what to do next, let’s talk. You’ve got this.
